I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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