I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
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she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
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Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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