An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
