I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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