dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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