My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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