The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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