Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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