Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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