I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
