How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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