five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
