she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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