Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
