Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
