I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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