happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
