your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
