I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
