I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
