EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
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she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
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Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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