so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize