Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
