Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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