Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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