I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
