i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
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I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
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Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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