i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
40s are totally the cure
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
