You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
