On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
