this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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