sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
