I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ladies don't puke and tell
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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