My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
