i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
