She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
