I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
