I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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