dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
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Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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