oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
