Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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