That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
