Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
