as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life