help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
