Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
