Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
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So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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