I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
