Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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