Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
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Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
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I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.