guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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