the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
