When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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