I cannot find my penis.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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