This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
