I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
