1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
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Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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