well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
