i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
