what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
