Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
